#14 of 20.

the first word

dare to approach
the frozen wave
haunting
the golden floodplain

cupping hands to roaring
blue wounds
the memories of the world

scoured the earth
the dirt
to find the first word  
like a stone could
be coaxed to bleed

freight trains of rain  
unchained
the cloud forest maimed
broken shovels up
both my sleeves

called off the search
it hurt
don’t know which is worse
holding tighter
or letting go 

offered my throat
my hope
from watchtower ghost 
to a miner
of melting snow

finally found the first clue
what i’d been missing
fell into the deep dark blue

and i just listened 

i just listened

(from “raised by swans is the name of a man, vol. 2: run with the silent wildfires”. available now. all lyrics and music written and performed by e. howden)

#13 of 20.

sharing the songs individually wasn’t meant to take nearly this long.
the remaining eight will be posted over the next two weeks or so.
i hope everyone’s okay.
love,
eric.
p.s. CD copies of both the new album and volume 1 (which includes “trains we both missed” and “pale blue black holes” as bonus tracks) are still available through bandcamp.

shadow in your hand

wild as
the pain that
you’d run from
for so long

combs of
grey ocean
in your hair

slow dancing
twin stars
captured
then disarmed

glimpses
of glory
from nowhere

oblivion
i knew you’d come
to pour us both out
bottles in the sand
bottles in the sand
the fallout in the clouds

in plumes of steam
a camera dreams
signs i should have seen
shadow in your hand
shadow in your hand
whatever could it mean

how could
i have thrown you
a rope
tried from
the eye of
a whirlpool

snow fleeing
from summer
lost sheep
uncovered
lone wolves
exposed to
each other

oblivion
what’s done is done
you poured us both out
bottles in the sand
bottles in the sand
the fallout in the clouds

in plumes of steam
a camera dreams of
signs i should have seen
shadow in your hand
shadow in your hand
whatever could it mean

shadow in your hand
shadow in your hand
you played it
on to me

come find
me again
in that lost
moment when
you offered your hand
then took all
i had
left

if i’d had
a fighting chance
i’d have passed
on the
last dance

the silence
is deafening

shadow
in your
hand

(from “raised by swans is the name of a man, vol. 2: run with the silent wildfires”. available now (CD copies via bandcamp). all lyrics and music written and performed by e. howden)

#12 of 20.

enchanted creatures

know i’ve noticed
in spite of the tornado’s spin
yeah i’ve noticed
my word
like a lotus flower
a bloom of iridescent skin
broke the surface
what a world

i still believe
there are coins left
to retrieve
run through the waves
stirring up the mirror
come
show me what’s
underneath

know i felt it
the tremble in your summer legs
as we melted and were
revealed

we were covered bridges
enchanted creatures without names
but to each other
only real

i still believe
there are coins left
to retrieve
run through the waves
stirring up the mirror
come
show me what’s
underneath
come show me
what’s underneath

(from “raised by swans is the name of a man, vol. 2: run with the silent wildfires”. available now. all lyrics and music written and performed by e. howden)

#11 of 20.

with love,
always.
e.

glass plate negative

flicker around the edges
of the frames we fill
lights in the corners of our eyes
the night could
never kill
run with the silent wildfires
live where your memories live
somewhere a raging river’s trapped
in a glass plate negative
without each other
we disappear

time only holds us for
so long

so long

flutter around the edges
of the songs we sing
signs that remind us
we’re still waiting around
for something

some are the guards
some are sawing the bars
from windows
charging like bolts of lightning
straight into the tornadoes

and more and more
i feel i’m still standing
the tightrope taut
beneath my feet
what’s left without
some small belief

and more and more
the void is expanding
we have to find a balance here
without each other
we disappear

time only holds us
for so long

so long

(from “raised by swans is the name of a man, vol. 2: run with the silent wildfires”. available now. all lyrics and music written and performed by e. howden)

#10 of 20.

a flooded engine

learned how to hide
a flooded engine
in plain sight

flooded with light
in every corner
a folded knife

treasure
taking
cover
where the hungry
helicopters
hover
when they descend
when they descend
have no illusions
the dream is yours to
defend

the water eats the wall
the water eats the wall
the fate of the frozen veil is
to fall
to fall

learned how to need
when i was walking in tatters
you looked at me
like i was someone
who mattered

treasure
taking
cover
where the hungry
helicopters
hover
when they breach the dam
when they breach the dam
i will protect you
with everything that
i am

i will protect you with
everything that
i am

an ecstasy of

an ecstasy of the agony
of love

the agony of love

from out of the frozen veil comes
the flood
the flood

(from “raised by swans is the name of a man, vol. 2: run with the silent wildfires”. available now. all lyrics and music written and performed by e. howden)

#9 of 20.

museum birds

they can fly away
museum birds
like campfire sparks
we lose them
in the dark

we sleepwalk to a box
we warm it with our touch
and suddenly we’re seeing
the colours that were us

don’t
keep your heart a secret
from the very heights
it was born to beat in
love’s wild
it needs some sky
to dream in

the signs might say
keep out
but let’s not be afraid

to break in or escape
(museum birds)
to light the flares trapped
underneath the stairs
to plunge into your jungles
resuscitate the sounds
to rise as something blinding
and burn this building down

don’t
keep your heart a secret
from the very heights
it was born to beat in
love’s wild
it needs some sky
to dream in

the signs might say
keep out
but i will not obey

(from “raised by swans is the name of a man, vol. 2: run with the silent wildfires”. available now. all lyrics and music written and performed by e. howden)

#8 of 20.

you sang to me

i was falling down
invisibly
when you sang to me

i was all mixed up
and missing pieces
then you sang to me

blood
soaking through my shirt
a well of silence
a bundle of nerves
i tunnelled to the lighthouse
for the mercy of words
i’d never have heard
here
i’d never have heard

as a dial tone
the border guards
barely glanced at me
i was hanging up
a missing person
then you answered me

swooned
in your summoned rain
of skeleton keys
that sprang us
from our cages
and drowned out the advances
of a coming ice age
we have to be brave
dear
we have to be brave

(from “raised by swans is the name of a man, vol. 2: run with the silent wildfires”. available now. all lyrics and music written and performed by e. howden)

#7 of 20.

we’ve never met

the current keeps us 
from each other
but we cast our hearts
again
they cut their teeth 
in savage water
from quivering shells on the shore
we cry out for more
cry out for more
like the world might forget
something it’s not imagined yet

we’ve never met
so how is that i’ve your pulse
pounding in my lips
and you’ve mine
lightning intertwined
whale songs bound
to the abyss

where the whirlpool dwells

i want to be someone
you can’t forget
i want to be someone
you’ve never met

where the cymbals swell
i hold you like a breath

we’ll never be
so how is that you’re
an immortal melody
in my mind
climbing like a vine
bringing sorrow to its knees

where the whirlpool dwells

i want to be someone 
you can’t forget
i want to be someone
you’ve never met
never met

where the cymbals swell
i hold you like a breath

(from “raised by swans is the name of a man, vol. 2: run with the silent wildfires”. available now. all lyrics and music written and performed by e. howden)

#6 of 20.

love,

eric.

recaptured
be a runaway
a runaway
i dare you to take my hand

moonlight
heard a song that fell like moonlight
and knives
on the rooftops of the deeps

colours
thought too rare to rediscover
wake up
rainbow memories of white reefs

pounding through the surf
buzzing like bees
through the underworld
spies and jewel thieves

we all know the score
the stealing of a moment more
music scents the air from
i don’t know where
i don’t know where

do you feel the world turning faster
are we still in time
is the dream the spell or the caster
can the perfect crime be
recaptured

come and run away
run away
i dare you to take my hand

promise
wrote a song that made its promise
lossless
across a century of dark sleep

raptures
swirls of nevers and forever afters
every circle incomplete

pounding through the surf
right beside me
through the underworld
spies and jewel thieves

we all know the score
the sweetness in a moment more
music scents the air from
i don’t know where
i don’t know where

do you feel the world turning faster
are we still in time
is the dream the spell or the caster
can a beam of light be
recaptured

the music in us is free
so kick off your shoes love
and pick up the beat

rode the polar bear out
in shadow
gathered our strength
under the ripe stars
on the battlefield of our echoes
let it be love
leading the charge

(lyrics and music written and performed by e. howden; from “raised by swans is the name of a man, volume 2: run with the silent wildfires”, out now everywhere)

Lil Peep and Raised By Swans: An Unlikely Duo.


because i guess i should go on record about this at some point.

in June 2020, a kind person from Turkey named Ayberk, who happens to be a fan of both my music and American rapper Lil Peep’s, sent an email to ask about a collaboration i’d done which i knew nothing about.

shortly thereafter, i found myself in the surreal position of watching a video featuring one of Lil Peep’s earliest songs, “Praying to the Sky”, and instantly recognizing it, though i’d never heard it before. this was because the backing track was a looped segment of my own song, “spilled more blood”, slightly slowed and pitch-shifted down, but lifted directly from my 2014 album Öxnadalur, including the instrumental parts i’d written and played, the morse code i’d programmed, and even my intake of breath before i started singing. in short, intimate fingerprints on top of intimate fingerprints on top of intimate fingerprints, but credited to someone else; the only writer/performer on “Praying to the Sky” since its release had only ever been listed as Lil Peep, sometimes accompanied by the name of a producer. over the five years that the song had been out, i’d never been contacted or credited.

discovering this caused some pretty severe (and enduring) anxiety and sadness, to be honest, though i don’t want to dwell on that here. but also, i knew that looking into fixing things would likely lead to the kind of complex, drawn-out legal process that someone like me would never have been able to afford. if Lil Peep/Gustav himself had still been around, i’m sure we could have connected and easily sorted things out between us. sadly, by the time i heard the song, he’d already been gone for almost three years.

after speaking with ALAS (Artists’ Legal Advice Services), an Ontario-based organization that i highly recommend to musicians who find themselves in similar situations, i reached out to someone from my distant past.  this was Laurie Gelfand, a music lawyer who i’d met many years ago in another life, and who in her kindness was willing to work with me as a contingency case.  i’m grateful to say that Lil Peep’s team (including his mother) responded with sensitivity and professionalism, restoring credit where it was due, at least going forward, and i appreciate and thank them for that. but the lion’s share of my gratitude goes to Laurie Gelfand for her generous support, brilliance and empathy in helping me navigate, both legally and personally, a profoundly uncomfortable and uncertain period of my life.  thank you again, Laurie, for everything. i don’t know what i would have done without you. 

as for denying the use of the sample, as i’ve heard some other musicians have done regarding the ongoing re-releases of Lil Peep’s early music (the album/mixtape with “Praying to the Sky” on it has yet to be officially re-released), this made no sense to me.  the song will be forever out there in the ether regardless of what i’d chosen to do, and doing things this way has at least let me reclaim my part of it.

but aside from all of that, and however i might feel about how it all came about, “Praying to the Sky” is a part of Lil Peep’s legacy now. and i suppose mine.  and on a different note, clearly he felt a strong connection to my song, through his struggles. with that in mind, we probably share more similarities than differences. no hard feelings, and RIP, Gustav.

a warm thank you again to Ayberk, for getting in touch to let me know about this in the first place – without your attentive ears and thoughtfulness, i may have never found out about this at all. i hope you’re okay, my friend. please get in touch if you can.

this has all been difficult for me to share, if the three years that have passed since i found out about it don’t make that obvious. so i’d like the story to end here, at least from my own side of things, with a song that’s very dear to me. it’s called “spilled more blood”. thank you.

love,
eric.